Bulgaria Ski discussion board

Most amusing jokes, from the Edinburgh festival, for your enjoyment (don't think any of them are rude) and if you've heard them before, well feel free to laugh againe!

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I
was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me
to sleep at night. (Susan Murray at the Underbelly)

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind
people were given pointed sticks? (Adam Bloom at the Pleasance)

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when
I
was two, because they wanted me to sound like a tw*t. (Susan Murray at
the Underbelly)

Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people.
(David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon)

I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I
looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say
something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying
school. (Ahmed Ahmed at C34)

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She
said, "Can y ou spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All
right, but we're not going to get much done." (Jimmy Carr at the ICC)

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on
its
hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that
they're enjoying it as well. (Scott Capurro at the Pleasance)

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help
thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. (Jimmy Carr
at the ICC)

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ...
Self-raising?" (Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms)

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face. (Jeremy Limb, at the Trap)

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
(Jimmy Carr)


Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
Turned out it was a bloody hoax. (Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance)

Employee of the month is a g ood example of how somebody can be both a
winner and a loser at the same time. (Demetri Martin at the Assembly
Rooms)

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to
arm
bears. (Chris Addison at the Pleasance)

50 Cent, or as he's called over here, about 29p. (Sarah Kendall at the
Pleasance)

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this
sign:"This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I
feel?" (Arnold Brown at The Stand)