Bulgaria Ski discussion board

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United
Kingdom, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I
see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living
thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have twelve months to build the Ark before
I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

A year later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard ....but no Ark.

"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building
permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbours claim that I've violated the county structure plan by building the Ark
in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to John Prescot for a
decision and we all know how long that takes.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of
moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the
Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would
hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order
to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the
wood to save the owls. But no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They
insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued
the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many
animals in a confined space. Then the European Union ruled that I couldn't build the
Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Race Relations Board on how many
minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades unions say I
can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with Ark building
experience.
To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying
to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it
would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across
the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to destroy the
world?".

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

You may not be aware that there is a slight difference between private schools and comprehensives in Britain. The Department of Education has realised this and has revised the secondary Maths Exam papers accordingly.


Here are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference.

MATHS TEST FOR COMPREHENSIVES


Name _____________________________


Nickname__________________________


Gang Name________________________


1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is GBP40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch perform to support Damon's GBP500 a day coke habit?

3. Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?

4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got GBP350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends GBP13,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? Extra Credit Bonus question: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?

6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Jordan loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled when he gets whacked?


MATHS TEST FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS


Name________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
________________________ (If name is longer please continue on a separate
sheet)


School: _______________________________________________


Daddy's companies ____________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________

Mummy's fitness trainer ___________________________________________


1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing 3 people. The old man asks his local Chief Constable to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now?

2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Tristram fancies the arse off a certain number of debutants, but he has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has only 14 tablets of Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two thirds?

4. If Verity throws up 4 times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up 3 times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?

5. Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When will he stand for parliament?