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Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.



Paddy 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken'



Operator 'What is your location sir?'



Paddy 'Outside number 28, Eucalyptus Street'



Operator 'How do you spell that sir?'



Silence.



After a minute:-



Operator 'Are you there sir?'



Silence.



A minute later:-



Operator 'Sir, can you hear me!!?'



This goes on for another few minutes until:-



Operator 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me!!?'



Paddy 'Yes, sorry bout dat. I just dragged him round to number 3, Oak Street'.

Mishap on BA Transatlantic Flight

After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the
captain announced:
'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and ...
OH, MY GOD!'



Silence followed!



Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!'


One Irish passenger yelled, 'by Jaysus you should see the back of
mine!'

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about
thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided
that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with
the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could
reach the urinals.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants,
and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to
direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'I dont
recognise you, are you in year four ?'

'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.

Why Parents Drink


The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman. '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME . '

Young Paddy, moved to Roscommon and bought a Donkey from a farmer for EUR100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Paddy replied,
'Well,then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said,
'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Paddy said,
'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked,
'What are ya gonna do with him?

Paddy said,
'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said,
'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Paddy said,
'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with
Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said,
'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two euro's a piece and made a profit of EUR898.00.'

The farmer said,
'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said,
'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two euro's back.'

Paddy now works for the Irish Government!!!!!!

Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the Obama, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the Obama. 'How about What Changes I Should Make To America?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know shit'.

> Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be
> married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The
> conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex
> lives.
> After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging
> in some S&M role playing.
> The following week they met up again to compare notes.
>
> Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at
> the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a
> leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it
> and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto
> heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk
> right then and there!'
> The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story!
> When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a
> black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so
> turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to mov e up our
> wedding date!
> The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of
> planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's.
> I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I
> slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black
> stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask.
> When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote,
> sat down and yelled,
> 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''