Bulgaria Ski discussion board
lots of tasteless wednesday jokes
Author:
posts : 13 (Beginner)Date : 08-24-05 13:26lots of tasteless wednesday jokes
A young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas. Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start.
He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Johnson) agreed to answer his ...
He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Johnson) agreed to answer his ...
A young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas. Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start.
He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Johnson) agreed to answer his questions.
The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest?
Farmer Johnson replied, "One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it."
"I can't print that," said the reporter, "Is there another event that made you really happy?"
Farmer Johnson thought for a minute and said, "Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-looking' young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy."
Again the reporter knew he couldn't print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Johnson, "Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?"
Farmer Johnson hung his head and replied, "Well, I got lost once."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it might be time for marriage. But before tying the knot, they went out for a heart to heart talk over dinner, to discuss whether or not it would really work out. They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on.
Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Was that one word, or two?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kailua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel !
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental encounters:
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, " Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-purpose, isn't it? . . .
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.
HOME REMEDIES
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are;
- You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the Duct Tape.
- Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
- Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
- If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
- And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
BAD TASTE
The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are
stalking through the brush when the one to the rear
reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger
in front.
The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it
out, already." The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they
continue.
After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger again
reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger
in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear
tiger and says, "I said stop it!." The rear tiger says, "sorry," and
they continue.
After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger once more
licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and
asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"
The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get
the taste out of my mouth!"
A blonde is crossing the road when she gets run over. She is
lying on the ground as the driver rushes out of the car to her.
"Are you alright?" he asks her.
"Everything is a blur, I can't see anything" she says.
Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight.
"How many fingers do I have up?" he asks.
"Oh No!" she replies, "don't tell me I'm paralyzed from the
waist down, too!"
He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Johnson) agreed to answer his questions.
The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest?
Farmer Johnson replied, "One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it."
"I can't print that," said the reporter, "Is there another event that made you really happy?"
Farmer Johnson thought for a minute and said, "Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-looking' young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy."
Again the reporter knew he couldn't print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Johnson, "Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?"
Farmer Johnson hung his head and replied, "Well, I got lost once."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it might be time for marriage. But before tying the knot, they went out for a heart to heart talk over dinner, to discuss whether or not it would really work out. They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on.
Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Was that one word, or two?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kailua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel !
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental encounters:
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, " Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-purpose, isn't it? . . .
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.
HOME REMEDIES
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are;
- You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the Duct Tape.
- Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
- Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
- If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
- And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
BAD TASTE
The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are
stalking through the brush when the one to the rear
reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger
in front.
The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it
out, already." The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they
continue.
After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger again
reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger
in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear
tiger and says, "I said stop it!." The rear tiger says, "sorry," and
they continue.
After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger once more
licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and
asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"
The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get
the taste out of my mouth!"
A blonde is crossing the road when she gets run over. She is
lying on the ground as the driver rushes out of the car to her.
"Are you alright?" he asks her.
"Everything is a blur, I can't see anything" she says.
Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight.
"How many fingers do I have up?" he asks.
"Oh No!" she replies, "don't tell me I'm paralyzed from the
waist down, too!"
