Bulgaria Ski discussion board

A bit too near the truth this one.......................


The Battle of Trafalgar
"Order the signal to be sent,Hardy"
"Aye,aye,sir."
"Hold on,that's not what I dictated to the signal officer.What's the
meaning of this?"
"Sorry sir?"
"England expects every man to do his duty,regardless of race,gender,sexual
orientation,religious persuasion,or disability. - What gobbledegook is
this?"
"Admiralty policy, sir.We're an equal opportunities employer now.We had
the devil's own job getting the word "England" past the censors,lest it be
considered racist."
"Gadzooks,Hardy.Hand me my pipe & tobacco."
"Sorry,sir." All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working
environments."
"In that case break open the rum ration.Let's splice the mainbrace, to
steel the men before battle."
"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral, because of the Government's
policy on binge drinking."
"Good heavens ,Hardy.We'd better get on with it.Full speed ahead."
"I'm sorry,sir. There is now a 4 knot speed limit on this stretch of
water."
"Damn it, man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.We
must advance with all dispatch.Report from the crow's nest,please."
"Not possible sir."
"What?"
"Health & Safety have made it illegal sir,no harness or safety net.And the
rope ladder does not meet regulations.No one is allowed up there until
scaffolding has been erected - and inspected by them."
"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay!"
"He's busy doing the wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle,Admiral."
"Wheelchair access! I've never heard anything so absurd."
"Health & Safety sir. We must provide a barrier free environment for the
differently abled."
"Differently abled Hardy! I've only one arm & one eye & I didn't rise to
the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card!"
"Actually,sir,you did. The Royal Naval upper ranks were under-represented
in the areas of visual impairment & limb-deficiency."
"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
"A couple of problems there sir. Health & Safety won't let the crew up the
rigging without a safety net & crash helmets. And we are not allowed to
inhale salt spray. Haven't you seen the Health Reports?"
"I've never heard such infamy! Break out the cannons & tell the men to
stand by to engage the enemy."
"The men are concerned about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
"What! Is this mutiny?"
" It's not,sir. It's just that they are afraid of being charged with
murder if they kill any of the enemy.There re two lawyers on board watching."
"Then how are we to sink the French & Spanish Armada who are to invade
us?"
"We're not sir. The French & Spanish are our European partners,& according
to the Common Fisheries Policy we should not be in this stretch of water.
We could get hit by a compensation claim."
"But, Hardy, you hate the French & Spanish as you hate the devil."
"Don't say that sir! The ship's Diversity Co-ordinator may hear you & you
will be up on a Disciplinary Charge."
"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
"Not any more ,sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. It's
the rules."
"Don't tell me,Health & Safety. Whatever happened to rum, the lash,&
sodomy?"
"As I explained sir.Rum is off the menu. And there is a ban on corporal
punishment."
"And what about sodomy?"
"I believe that is being encouraged' sir."
"In that case...........kiss me Hardy."

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