Bulgaria Ski discussion board

Q. How many snow board instructors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Three - one to hold it, one to video tape it and the other to say "AWESOME DUDE!"


Q. What do you call a snowboarder with no girlfriend/boyfriend?
A. Homeless


Q. What is the difference between a snowboard instructor and a snowboard student?
A. 3 days!


Q. If you have a car with 3 snowboarders in the back seat, what do you call the driver?
A. Officer!

Q. How many skiers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Ten, one to screw it in and the other 9 to stand around saying "Nice turn, nice turn, nice turn........."



Q. How many ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one - he holds it while the mountain revolves around him



Q. What's the difference between God and a ski instructor?
A. God doesn't think he's a ski instructor.
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Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!

It's winter! Time to go skiing!
Alp:
One of a number of ski mountains in Europe.
Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European.

Avalanche:
One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten
timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, First
Aid, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.

Bindings:
Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from serious injury during
a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering
across the slope where they trip two other skiers.

Bones:
There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however;
the two bones of the middle ear have never been broken while skiing.

Cross-Country Skiing:
Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain technique. It's good exercise,
doesn't require purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or
lines. See also Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.

Cross-Country Something-or-Other:
Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through
snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing
nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and
the muffled screams of other skiers dropping into the puffy powder
of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.

Exercises:
A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes:
1) Tie a cinder block to each foot and climb a flight of stairs.
2) Sit on the outside of a fourth-story window ledge with your
skis on and your poles in your lap for at least 30 minutes.
3) Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor;
then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.

Gloves:
Designed to be tight around the wrist to restrict circulation,
but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they
should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any
dampness within to escape.

Gravity:
One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers.
The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam;
the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and
electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive
ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.

Inertia:
Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed
due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with
these other physical laws:
1) Two objects of different mass falling side by side will have
the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger
hospital and home care bills.
2) Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops
out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in
our universe.
3) When an irresistible force meets an immovable object (see "Tree")

Prejump:
Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead
of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled pre-fall just before
losing their balance and, if they wish, may precede it with either
a pre-scream and a few pre-groans or simple profanity.

Shin:
The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point
where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness
from the strained ankle begins.

Ski!:
A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the
hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!"
(which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill).

Skier:
One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.

Stance:
Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms
straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands
forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a
little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be
quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Am I nuts or what?"

Thor:
The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.

Traverse:
To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple
methods of reducing speed.

Tree:
Alternate method of either Traverse or Stopping.

December 8
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!

The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.

The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.

Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice.

Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!

Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25
Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don't shine. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?